This is the first time that I will have ever talked about this in public. Besides to some very close women of God. We were sitting around talking about joy and out of nowhere it hit me. I am still in chains since my senior year, after all this time I thought I was over this, that I put it behind me, but in reality it still had a ripple effect into my days now. Almost 11 years and it is still effecting my life.
It is one of those things that after it happened, I pushed it so far down. First of all, I have to begin with, my senior year in high school was one of the hardest times of my life. It was the darkest time. When there was so much to be excited for, I wasn’t. Senior year is filled with so much happiness, joy, excitement, and some tears because this is one of the last years you will be surrounded by your friends that you have known all your life.
I was barely getting by. I was numb, numb to everything and everyone around me. I lost so many friends in that time, that I was alone. I wish I could go comfort my teenage-self. I wish I could tell her what I know now. When what could have been a time to grow closer to God, it was a time that I felt like I was dying inside.
My senior year, was a complete mess. I lost a boyfriend that year, countless friends, I began smoking to be able to feel something, I would skip school (though if my defense was my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, all my classes were with him), and I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was the beginning of the year in choir. I was a soprano. We would have private lessons for choir, we would practice solos and such.
I am already fearful talking about this. You want the rawness; you’ve got it here.
I believe mine was either on lunch break or in study hall. I would go in for my solo, just me and the choir director in his office. I would try hard at these songs that were in another language, I can barely English, I can’t do anything else. Ask my Spanish teacher, she will tell you. When I wasn’t singing louder, I would hear, “sing from your diaphragm”. After a couple of times not doing it louder. He would touch where I should be singing from, however it was lower. I know where my diaphragm is. I wasn’t comfortable with it so I brushed it off the first couple of times. But after the third or fourth time of being touched there. I couldn’t brush off what my body was sending me, the warning signs.
I stopped going to my lessons. I was just going to let it go and not go to my lessons. I figured I could still do choir but ignore that part. Needless to say around time we get our grades, I was failing choir. To find out, if you don’t go to your lessons, you fail.
I was trying to ignore what I felt happened but now I can’t ignore it, if I am failing. One thing led to another and my parents got involved. Called a meeting with the principle and the music teacher.
Great. I tried to push this away. I tried to let it go because I didn’t want this to be public. I didn’t want that.
Once going into the principal’s office, I explained it to him. It wasn’t taken seriously. They brought in the music teacher, him and the principle come into the room laughing. I swear it only lasted about 10 minutes. It was brushed away. I remember quitting choir. It was that or go back to the lessons I was uncomfortable with. There was no working around it. I had to quit something I enjoyed. When I opened up to the both of them to explain it. They ignored it, it was laughed off. It was like they thought I was trying to create drama, when I pushed it away. Didn’t talk about it to anyone in school. It was after that meeting that it started to circulate through school. I would hear about it from old choir members that he brought it up to other students.
Like it was a joking matter.
Even if he wasn’t meaning anything by touching me lower than where my diaphragm is. It should have been taken seriously. My feelings mattered. My body was sending me signals, warning me. I don’t make that up.
Since becoming a Christian, I haven’t been able to pray out loud. If people wouldn’t take me seriously or at least listen to me then, How could God listen to me? How could he take me seriously? I still can’t pray out loud. It becomes too much, my anxiety takes over. It isn’t even about praying out loud, it is speaking my mind, it is speaking out on my faith. It is just voicing myself. I am afraid.
I don’t hug people, often. I have almost have a fear over it. I see people hugging each other in church, it is almost like the custom of welcoming people. It is beautiful, however, my mind can’t wrap around it.
I deal with fear I never knew where it came from. I deal with anxiety that I didn’t know where it came from till that moment. Till it all hit me.
I am now praying to have these chains broken. I am finding healing in what was pushed away so long ago. Which means dusting it off, which brings up the hurt, anger, the tears, all over again. It is part of my story.
My God is bigger than this mess. My God heals.
Sweet Sister, don’t let something from the past control your life, control your joy. That is the enemy. He wants to pull you away from everything, he wasn’t to pull you away from God. Don’t lose your voice or worry about what others will say. There is a part in God’s Not Dead 2 that just speaks volumes, “I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than stand with the world and be judged by God.” I wish I would have fought harder for my voice to be heard. I let me age stand in the way. I let myself be walked all over when I was being hurt. I never knew the ripple effects would haunt me now. I never knew that I would still be hurting from something that happen over 11 years ago. I thought that time would heal it. However, if you keep pushing it down. Keep locking it away. It’s a ticking time bomb and at some point it has to explode. Why not face it, so it won’t be used by the enemy years from now?
You are strong in the Lord. Even if you don’t feel it. He is there. He is right there with you! Daughter don’t pull away from Him. It may hurt like hell, but there is a purpose for what you are going through. For one, I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you feel lost. Do one thing for me, pray. Pray right now to our Father. He Heals. He hears. He listens.
Father, I am praying for everyone that reads this. I ask that you lead them out of this pain that you wrap your arms around them. Hold them. Heal them. Open their eyes to you beautiful plan. God you are a loving, a merciful God, and you are so God. It’s in your sons name I pray, it’s in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen
I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours. You are mine
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10